Sometimes Joint physical custody / time sharing can be a bad compromise between disputing parents and sometimes it is a very good solution
- Joint physical custody / time sharing should be used for the right reasons and not to lower child support payments
- Joint physical custody / time sharing is not automatically fifty/fifty.
- Joint physical custody / time sharing does require a lot of coordination
- Joint physical custody should be beneficial over time if handled properly but if not it could make the situation less stable
- Studies suggest that joint physical custody / time sharing apparently works only for a minority of families. Why? Hopefully this will change.
People, and different laws in different states and countries, use different words: “custody,” “time sharing” “parenting plan,” “parental rights and responsibilities” etc. Florida has recently made the move to Time Sharing. I have no investment in a particular term. Parents living apart need to decide how to divide children’s time between two households (physical custody), and they also need to decide how they will make big and small child decisions (legal custody). So, typically they refer to these issues as “time” and “decisions,” and often drop the controversial term “custody.” I often do that. Here I use custody for simplicity.
Additionally, I think handled properly for two parents whose efforts are focused on the betterment of the children, joint legal custody – is a no-brainier. Joint legal custody should be a presumption unless there are good reasons not to do it. But “big decisions” become problems and Joint legal custody does not mean that parents get to second guess each other constantly.
Finally, why I like joint physical custody. Children have two parents. Most children want to have a relationship with both of their parents after a separation, and most divorced parents want relationships with their children. Family relationships can and do continue despite the many upheavals of divorce. The old model of divorce as a family feud, where only one parent raises is old school and not best for the children. Divorced parents can be parents even if they are no longer lovers.
Joint physical custody is the best and the worst arrangement for children. It’s the best when parents cooperate enough to make joint physical custody work for children. It’s the worst when joint physical custody leaves children in the middle of a war zone. The best research supports this conclusion. In low or controlled conflict divorces, children fare better in joint than in sole physical custody. In high conflict divorces, studies suggest that children do worse in joint physical custody than in other arrangements. Admittedly, existing research is imperfect and very hard to do. But this “best and worst” conclusion also is commonly held by seasoned practitioners, and it makes good common sense.
BUT joint physical custody can be a lousy compromise for disputing parents. Why? Because joint physical custody is the best and worst arrangement for children, and it’s all but certain to be the worst when parents end up in court (because the parents, by definition, aren’t working together). For judges, this means that joint physical custody may seem like a fair middle ground, but that’s an illusion that keeps kids trapped in the middle. For parents who want it, this means you have to try to work out joint physical custody with your children’s other parent, because wise judges already know it’s a lousy compromise for children in high conflict divorces.
BUT sometimes joint physical custody is used wrongly to lower child support payments. The magic number of nights differs from state to state, and so do many parents’ demands…. If you really want to pay less child support, well, sorry, but raising children is expensive.
BUT joint physical custody is not necessarily 50/50. When I hear a parent insisting on exactly 50/50, I really worry. I worry that the parent is thinking about getting his or her half of the pie, not about the children. Sure, 50/50 can work. So can lots of different schedules. I consider about 25% of overnights as being joint physical custody in terms of having enough opportunity to have a rich relationship with your children. That might mean a schedule that is a week on and a week off, Wednesday through Saturday, every Thursday and Friday over night, or dividing the school year and the summers.
AND joint physical custody requires a lot of logistical coordination. Kids forget stuff. Be prepared to drive soccer cleats or the tuba or the antibiotic to your ex’s house. Oh yeah, and kids take short cuts. Be prepared to communicate regularly with your children’s other parent. What about? Not about your own stuff. About your kids’ stuff. Homework. Weekend plans. Discipline. Stuff like that. But doing best by your children should be your upmost concern.
AND joint physical custody can be less stable over time than sole physical custody. Several studies show this, and this isn’t necessarily a problem, that kids’ needs and desires change. So do parents’ needs and desires. People move. New partners get involved. The changes can make a lot of sense, and changes can make things work better. So file this concern under “something for parents to consider” not under “why you don’t want joint physical custody.”
BUT joint physical custody apparently works only for a minority of families. Hopefully this will change over time. But currently maybe 10% of children from divorced families are actually living in joint physical custody. (There really isn’t great research here, but even the highest estimates I’ve seen aren’t much bigger.) Why is the number small compared to the amount of talk about joint physical custody? I think it’s for all the reasons discussed. Joint physical custody is definitely an option to consider – it’s my preferred option for cooperative parents. But it’s only one of many options that can work for divorced parents and for children.