Something I heard when I first started practicing family law has always stayed with me and I have repeated it to my clients many times over the years – you need to love your children more than you dislike or hate your former, or soon to be former, spouse.
Divorce is certainly an emotional time for families. In fact, it can be one of the most stressful experiences in one’s life. Even if the dissolution of your marriage is amicable, just there being such a dramatic change in the make-up of the family unit can be very stressful.
It is very important to keep in mind that it is not only the adults who experience this stress. If there are children involved, they often suffer greatly. They did not make this decision and have not had the same amount of time to process it as did the adults. They are just along for, what can sometimes be, a bumpy ride. While children are resilient, a certain amount of grief at the ‘death’ of their parents’ relationship is to be expected. Nevertheless, while the adults are going through what can be an arduous legal process, it is important for them to remember the needs of their children and always put the best interests of the children first. Deciding to cooperate for their sake, or at least trying not to battle on every issue, will help to protect the children’s emotional well-being by maintaining their sense of security and entitlement to unconditional love. There are many ways in which loving, responsible parents can cooperate for the good of their children. Do not put them in the middle, do no use them as messengers and do not bad-mouth the other parent to them or in their presence. Even though the marriage may have broken down, the children need to be reassured that they are still part of a family. Children need lasting relationships with both of their parents.
Depending on the age of the children, it could be beneficial for the children to see a therapist/counselor to help them express their feelings and emotions regarding what is transpiring in their family. They need their voices to be heard. Children of divorcing or divorced parents usually have many questions they need answered and worries they need addressed. While in some cases the parents may be able to put aside their own issues and work together with their children, if they cannot, the children need to have somebody they can talk to and a safe space to have these types of conversations. Many children experience guilt and often blame themselves for the marital breakup of their parents. Counseling – whether group or individual – can be an effective way to lessen this burden and let them know they are not the cause.
It is imperative to keep in mind that while your spouse will become your ex-spouse, they are not the ex-parent of your children. That title remains in tact and needs to be nourished. Your children need your reassurance that it is okay if they love the other parent and enjoy spending time with them. It is not a contest.
Barbra Amron Weisberg is a divorce attorney based out of Boca Raton, FL.
561-292-0030 / ask@bawlegal.com
Barbra Amron Weisberg, PA